Maybe it’s me, but I was half expecting/half hoping for Mother Earth to scream, “Gotcha!” yesterday, April Fool’s Day! and release us from this living hell that is the Covid-19 pandemic. Between the never-ending news cycle detailing horror after horror and the near-constant fear everyone feels for the safety of themselves and their families, man 2020 has been a year. I generally try to be positive and look for the silver lining in things. One thing the quarantine has provided me with is the ability to wear pajamas all day every day for the past five days and not give one solitary eff. Are the pajamas comic book themed? Yes. Am I a 34-year-old man? Yes. Do I care? Absolutely not.
In addition to my lounge wear being on fleek and kicking up my exercise routine by doing 15 minutes of weight training per day with two seven and a half pound dumbbells while I blast Slayer at a near deafening level, I’ve caught up on a whole hell of a lot of movies! Not that I need an excuse to plant my ass on the couch, eat my body weight in Doritos and Cinnamon Toast Crunch and just bask in the warming glow of the television, but the quarantine has given me a reason not to feel bad about it.
We’re all doing our part to stay safe; and dammit, if I need to be glued to the tele to prevent possible further spread of this awful virus, you best believe that’s where I be. Side note: Another reason I am positive that we are living in a simulation: In what world could we actually be told that by doing this, we’re actually part of the solution? Wild!
You could spend time watching random movies, but why not take this chance to burn through an entire franchise! Get to know the characters a little. Invest in their story. And since social distancing is a must right now, why not spend your time with these colorful characters? If you want to lose yourself in the art of cinema and escape the chaos of the world surrounding us right now, I believe these are five excellent film series to help you beat these quarantine blues!
The ‘Back to the Future’ Trilogy
Great Scott! There are a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to this classic series. And I’m not even talking the plot. Comedian John Mulaney does a great piece on this in his stand-up, which I highly recommend. There is something unbelievable comforting about this set of films. Doc Brown is like that crazy Uncle who just really takes that boring Thanksgiving dinner and makes it great with his pontificating about utter nonsense. He’s animated and over the top, but in spite of all his eccentricities, you kind of feel like he may be the only person who really gets it. Marty McFly is the classic type of protagonist who you not only root for, but you can see yourself in his repeated predicaments. The two together provide the basis for a totally bonkers buddy adventure that spans over 100 years!
Back in the ‘80s, soundtracks to movies were really becoming quite the thing. Combine a hit movie with a hit song! It’s gold. Thanks to Huey Lewis & the News and “Power of Love,” “Back to the Future” helped to spearhead that movement which Will Smith would come to own a little after a decade later with “Men in Black.”
The series is not without its flaws. There are a couple of plot holes you could drive the DeLorean straight through (only at 88 MPH). Like how does Old Biff come back to the same 2015 and not alternate 2015 after he brought the sports almanac back to 1955? Biff—since those same events—caused Doc and Marty to go back to an alternate 1985? My head hurts. Do yourself a favor, fire these up, make like a tree, and get outta here.
‘The Hangover’ Trilogy
At this point, the first installment could serve as a companion piece to Netflix’ “Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness.” In fact, I don’t doubt Mike Tyson’s tiger came from someone showcased in “Tiger King.”
Enough about that though! My whole life is consumed by that damned documentary right now. Moving on. “The Hangover” has so many classic funny moments. If the whole movie was just their car ride to Vegas, that in and of itself provides more belly laughs than the majority of comedies you see nowadays. Coming out in 2009, if you called it the comedy of the decade you’d be correct. If you called it the comedy of the century, I believe time will prove you right. Phil, Stu, and Alan provide no shortage of laughs, and their chemistry and shenanigans along their journey to find Doug felt so fresh and so unique that even now with two sequels—each to diminishing returns—the original just makes you die laughing.
Rounded out with an impressive cast of character actors and cameos, “The Hangover” provides exactly the type of laughs you so desperately need at this chaotic time. Say what you will, but I love “The Hangover Part II.” If you skip the final installment, it’s not like you’ll get a taser “in the face!” but it’s worth seeing just to round things out. If you love tigers, drugs, sex, Vegas, complete lack of self-awareness, hilarious songs, and some truly despicable characters, you will absolutely love “Tiger King!” Wait wait! Scratch that! I meant “The Hangover!”
The ‘Indiana Jones’ Quadrology
“So Indiana Jones. Yeah you’ve bested the Nazis a couple times, that I will give you. But ya ever go up against them aliens?” That’s what I imagine George Lucas shouting from his bed right after he woke up from a dead sleep in a sweat drenched bed with a figurative lightbulb above his head. “That’s a Bingo!”
“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” kind of serves the mission statement that just because we want something, we shouldn’t really get it. It’s like you finally get the girl of your dreams and it turns out to be a nightmare (Freddy Kruger style). Long gaps of time in between sequels often proves a bad choice. (Looking at you “Anchorman,” “Dumb & Dumber”). Still, something about Indy really evokes that childhood nostalgia: especially for anyone who grew up with those movies. Is it the fedoras? Maybe. The bullwhip? Likely. The rugged masculinity of a new age of Hollywood leading man unlike which we will ever see again? Definitely!
“Raiders of the Lost Ark” is a classic in every sense. Steven Spielberg would certainly out-Spielberg himself in the following decades—but man, what an introduction to the character. Also kudos for not naming it “Indiana Jones and…” right off the bat. That’s a stud move that paid off for later installments to really raise the level of anticipation. Think about it…You see “Raiders,” then four years later you see “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” in big bright letters. You’d probably piss your excitement just at the sight. The series is a great throwback to a bygone era of Hollywood. Do them all in a row for maximum entertainment. If you’re a stickler for continuity, start with “Temple of Doom;” the actual chronological start point of the saga. Before we leave this one, I have one question…what the hell happened to Short Round?
The ‘Friday the 13th’ series
With the merry mayhem of Jason Voorhees, I’ll tell you, these movies are cheaply made, lack character development, rely on one of a handful of camera angles to build the tension, and then ultimately release that tension in ever growing acts of utter disgusting brutality which serves no purpose other than to shock the audience. And let me tell you. I dig it! Plus a couple times a year we get our very own Friday the 13th and a great reason to rewatch these!
Listen. I got initiated to these cinematic masterpieces at way too young an age and because of that I (a) Loooove these movies, (b) still prefer to sleep with a light on and (c) I am very thankful I got proper swimming lessons as a boy.
I may be in the minority; and while I don’t need your authority, I will tell you, I actually prefer Jason with the bag on versus the hockey mask. Don’t get me wrong, I love the mask! But the dude has a face built for a bag. I could go on and on about this but let me rank the movies for you really quick. Note: this list is excluding the 2009 remake and “Freddy Vs. Jason.”
10. “Jason X”
9. “Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell”
8. “Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan”
7. “Part 7: The New Blood” (read review)
6. “Part 5. A New Beginning”(read review)
5. “Part 4: “The Final Chapter” (read review)
4. “Part 2: No Subtitle. The One Where Jason Wears a Bag for a Mask” (read review)
3. “Part 1: No Subtitle: Mommy Dearest” (read review)
2. “Part 6: Jason Lives” (read review)
1. “Part 3: Jason in 3D” (read review)
The Dark Knight Trilogy
Saving the best for last! Truth be told, I love Batman the way people with kids love their kids. Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy—I’m just going to say it—the best group of movies based on comic books out there! Said. It had to be done. Don’t cry Marvel fans. I love the MCU also; but “Batman Begins,” “The Dark Knight,” and “The Dark Knight Rises” reign supreme for the genre. And not only because they kick total ass start to finish. But they transcend the genre; dabbling in action, drama, crime, and some truly unexpected funny laughs. What these movies really proved is that Batman is not the alter ego; Bruce Wayne is. Batman’s arc through the three films is so satisfying. We get great actors playing great villains. And even better actors playing aside to Bruce Wayne/Batman.
So instead of really making love to these films for you all to watch and no doubt suffer through, I thought I’d just provide some out-of-context quotes from the trilogy to get you guys super excited to rewatch these classics!
10. “That’s very good, Mr. Lau. Accidentally.”—Lucius Fox, “The Dark Knight”
9. “The fire rises.”—Bane, “The Dark Knight Rises”
8. “WHERE IS HE?”—Batman, “The Dark Knight”
7. “I’m an agent of chaos.”—The Joker, “The Dark Knight”
6. “No, no, no…I kill the bus driver.”—The Joker, “The Dark Knight”
5. “…Not my diagnosis.”—The Scarecrow, “The Dark Knight”
4. “It was a big dog.”—Bruce Wayne, “The Dark Knight”
3. “Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, molded by it.”—Bane, “The Dark Knight Rises”
2. “SAY IT!”—Harvey Dent, “The Dark Knight”
1. “Would you like to see my mask?”—The Scarecrow, “Batman Begins”
That’s all, folks! Please enjoy and please stay safe!!
