Holy sweet god damn, it’s Halloween time! We may be a month and a half away and yeah; I may celebrate Halloween 365 days a year, but the season of spookiness is upon us! September and October provide the time of year where I bust out some of my favorite Stephen King novels (nowadays mostly on the Kindle, sorry, not sorry), get a loop of “Tales From the Crypt” playing as background noise, and rip through some of my favorite horror classics of past and present.
I Want to Play a Game
Now, I’m always in the mood for a good scare. Needing to sleep with a light on? Don’t tempt me with a good time! So yeah, I’m ready to dive right in. And with so many great horror franchises to start with — “Nightmare on Elm Street,” “Friday the 13th,” “Child’s Play,” and “Halloween” — I thought it might be fun to look at one of the dumber franchises out there. Yeah, you heard it right. Dumber. Anyone familiar with my incoherent ramblings on here know I am addicted to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. So, for the sake of this argument, let’s say the aforementioned franchises are Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Delicious, savory perfect with a chilled glass of whole milk. You shove a spoonful in your trap and wash it down with a swig on milk. It’s glorious! So, if “Nightmare,” “Friday,” “Child’s Play,” and “Halloween” are CTC, let me introduce you to the “Saw” franchise. Or better yet, “Snoop Cereal Cinnamon Toasteez,” or “Malt O Meal Cinnamon Toasters” — the generic version of an otherwise great product.
Like these cheap CTC knockoffs, “Saw” is weak, frail, disgusting, and tastes like ass. As far as horror movie antagonists go, Jigsaw is no Chef Wendell. Still, the franchise is about to drop it’s tenth film later this month, so in celebration of this horrific achievement, here at The Movie Buff, we’d like to play a game and rank the previous nine films. Think you have the stomach for it? Read on only if you dare! You have been warned!
9. ‘Spiral’
Had the “Saw” franchise not been one of the most bonkers-ass franchises going, you could say 2021’s “Spiral” — the ninth installment — was when things really spiraled out of control…see what I did there? With director Darren Lynn Bousman back at the helm following his run of Parts 2-4, and the addition of Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson, this movie well… it’s terrible. I know. Chris Rock is my favorite comic ever so to insult anything he does is a real slap in the face. I hear you fanboys now, “Keep my favorite franchise’s name out ya…” Anyway, the instructional video to the Shake Weight is twice as scary and only half as boring.
8. ‘Jigsaw’
The eighth installment came after a seven year absence; and you know that saying about distance makes the heart grow fonder… well no. While maybe once upon a time the “torture porn” genre may have had its fans, “Jigsaw” is a lame attempt at giving us a look behind the curtain like never before seen in a “Saw” film. Only problem: some curtains you shouldn’t look behind. Just like some closed doors. You want to see some really horrific stuff, walk into a room with a closed door without knocking. That’ll teach ya!
7. ‘Saw VI’
Explain to me what’s happening in the franchise plot-wise by this point and I will pay you a hundred dollars. By this point folks, we have no doubt fallen from the fresh and exciting first couple films. Yeah, okay you got me. I really do enjoy the first few as you will find out a little later on. Director James Wan and Writer Leigh Whannell hit a home run during the early films; but by this point, the “Saw” franchise is more like 2023 Mötley Crüe. A lot less fresh fun excited and a lot more blah, bloated and flat. You can barely remember the good times and hell, you’re questioning if any even existed to begin with.
6. ‘Saw 3D’
You guys remember in the post “Avatar” world when every film needed to be in 3D? Everything from “Alice In Wonderland” to “Shrek” felt we audiences worldwide needed that extra dimension of viewing pleasure. No slouch themselves, the “Saw” franchise jumped on the bandwagon and if possible, jumped the shark even more. The film tries its best to present “gotcha shockers” of plot twists and turns; but to be fair, who cared at that point? Fans of the infamous franchise purely just wanted to see guts and grotesque displays of horror in 3D. And yeah, for that part, it worked well enough. As far as seventh films in a franchise, you could do worse.
5. ‘Saw 5’
You guys know Tommy Jarvis? You also know Laurie Strode? Those are horror franchise protagonists we care about. FBI Agent Strahm will never fall into that category. Now yeah, I know he cut his teeth doing the lord’s work on “Gilmore Girls” and all that junk, but here, nah. Dude’s character is blah, bloated, and flat. Yes, that’s a callback to the Mötley Crüe reference above and again, not sorry. Character just does nothing for me. But for all his faults, the recurring character Costas Mandylor is twice as bad. I’m not going to bore you with plot details because at this point, the writers also chose to not bother with them. Take my word for it. This one is alright.
4. ‘Saw 4’
I really feel this is where the franchise lost it. I mean, I know the whole basis is watching acts of torture, but watching the film should not be one. My own opinion I’ll grant you, but even still, nothing couldn’t stop “Saw IV” from being the film that solidified the franchise as the premier horror franchise of the 2000s. Here’s a hot take: if they ended this as a trilogy it would be among the horror greats. Why can’t more people be like “Seinfeld?” Leave them wanting more. Even still, when you look at the Box Office receipts, it was clear there was still a crazy hunger for Jigsaw and that weird bike and all. A mere $10 million dollar budget and a Box Office take of nearly $140 million. Now that’s a lot of sick bastards enjoying this chaos.
3. ‘Saw III’
I’m not being lazy and just ranking these backwards to one, I swear. It’s just that this franchise is really one of diminishing returns with each subsequent film. That said, I really enjoy the first three. My only beef here is nothing could compare to that one horrific ass scene from part II, which I’ll stick in later on down the line. “Saw III” slaps though. I know I knocked some of the boring characters earlier, but Amanda is a great character and I really enjoy her arc. She shines pretty bright here and well, if you want to know what’s up go and watch it. Point here is the gross out gags are still gross and not indulgent, and the franchise still had a sharp hook to it that really felt dull by the next film. If the franchise stopped here again, I tell you, top horror franchise ever!
2. ‘Saw II’
Sweet fancy Moses that scene with the needles. For the love! I’m dry heaving just thinking about it. I love horror films and spend way too much time watching them and discussing them; but if I’m on the stand, along with the garage door in “Scream” and Jason with the sleeping bag, best horror scene ever.
“Saw II” took us below the surface and gave us some more insight into what was really going on; and for my money, it did a nice job of that. I felt connected and bought into the characters and story. And coming off of the bombastic first film, I like a lot of you other folks really wanted more “Saw.” And call me crazy, but I am a Donnie Wahlberg fan. Now I know, he’s not your favorite Wahlberg, definitely not your favorite ‘New Kid On the Block’ (Joey Mac!), but I think he is severely underrated. I just took a minute to pull up “The Right Stuff” on Spotify and that songs slaps as much now as it did back in ’88. If anyone is looking for me for the rest of the day I’ll just be here hangin’ tough.
1. ‘Saw’
Alright. So if Danny Glover was “too old for this shit” during the “Lethal Weapon” days, whatever must he feel about these shenanigans? Listen James Wan and Leigh Whannell created one hell of a film. The entire concept is fresh and scary and unsettling. And like has been a recurring theme here, had they not taken the liberty of milking this cow dry Roy Munson style, this film might be better appreciated nowadays. And yes, this creative team created better and more consistent franchise in the following years (“Insidious,” “The Conjuring”) but this film is a classic.
The performances are top notch, especially for a horror film, and some of these scenes are just brutal! Watching Cary Elwes saw through his own ankle is… it’s like hearing Nirvana for the first time. Its something you have never experienced and never will again. Speaking of Cary Elwes, does he annoy anyone else? Maybe its his hack attempt at ‘The Claw’ in “Liar Liar” but the dude has never done it for me. That said, he is great here. And this is a great horror film. I’m not recommending you see the new one or even watch all existing ones, but maybe give this one a watch this Halloween and you’ll find yourself a nice surprise!
Follow us for more horror analyses up to Halloween! “Saw X” releases in theaters on September 27th.
