Well folks, Halloween-time rages on. I’m housing chocolate like a pre-ax to the back Joey from “Friday the 13th: Part 5.” My horror book of choice, the Stephen King short story collection, “Everything’s Eventual.” Soft cover. Not Kindle. It’s a real page turner, even if each page gets coated in some sort of stickiness form all the sugary sweets I’m downing. At this rate, the only thing likely eventual for me is diabetes. But with the Halloween hangover of ‘No-Junk-November’ right around the corner, I think it’ll be alright.
Speaking of alright, you know who is never alright? Characters in Rob Zombie films. One of my all-time favorite musicians, I had the pleasure of having my face rocked and my soul melted last month by him live in concert. What a trip! But for as great as his music is, how do you feel about his films? That’s always a running question. When it comes to Zombie’s films, it sometimes feels like watching garbage men from hell on meth, incapable of not speaking in the most vulgar tones ever. Now, I’ve been told on a few occasions I possess one of the filthiest mouths ever; but in my defense, it isn’t for shock or to be edgy. Its just that from the age of 9, I’ve found cursing to be so goddamn funny, and it perfectly articulates my otherwise jumbled thoughts.
So yeah. I’m not besmirching Zombie for his choice in character in dialogue. I’m commending it. The amount of shocking gore, stomach turning violence, and deplorable themes are a style onto his own. In other words, it’s glorious! With that said—and before I get sick from all the Starburst I just crammed down my throat—let’s rank the films of one of our generation’s greatest entertainer, Rob Zombie!
9. ‘The Munsters’ (2022)
It’s no doubt Zombie loves this ghastly clan of misfits. After all, what is arguably his defining song, “Dragula,” is named after the main car from the tv series. And while I appreciate he wanted to take a stab at a more family-friendly approach, the vibe of “The Munsters” feels more akin to the style of his music videos—just without the great music. Kind of telling a prequel, you’d like to think Zombie’s ambitions ran deeper than just one film; though the likelihood of a sequel seem as dead as Herman Munster himself.
8. ‘The Haunted World of El Superbeasto’ (2009)
Zombie’s only animated feature is a lot of fun in and of itself. However, in animation, it lacks the same stylistic bite as his greatest achievements. Pig Vomit, I mean Paul Giamatti, does a bang up job here as Dr. Satan and Zombie’s wife and mainstay star, Sheri Moon Zombie is great as well. The rest of the cast is rounded out with Zombie regulars—former stars of Grindhouse and B-Movie fame. If you get the chance to watch this under the radar film, take it for what it is and what it’s not: Zombie’s greatest work.
7. ‘Halloween II’ (2009)
Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re saying. “He ate a dog!” And yes, while Michael Myers did that along with a bunch of other weird ass stuff, Rob Zombie’s “H2” serves as one of the better films in the long running franchise. What makes “H2” completely bonkers and simultaneously fantastic is just how far Zombie leans into the sheer brutality of Michael Myers. Spoiler: this is not your parents’ Michael Myers wearing a sheet and glasses and choking PJ Soles out with a phone cord. Tyler Mane is such an imposing and overwhelming presence that, at least for my money, he’s the definitive on-screen representation of The Shape. The kills are gross. The language is vulgar as all hell. What’s not to love about this sequel!?
6. ‘3 from Hell’ (2019)
How many third films in a trilogy can you name that are the best? What’s more likely is the ass end of a trilogy provides a disappointing letdown to an otherwise great two-film run. “3 from Hell” unfortunately falls into that category. On its own accord, the film works. But it has two strikes against it. First, its preceding films are just so damn fun and wild and gross and awesome, its hard to match a third time. The other, the unfortunate health of Captain Spaulding himself, Sid Haig. By time of filming, Haig was around 80 and his had health noticeably declined. So much so, he makes only a brief cameo. Though perhaps the best scene of the film, you cant help but wish this film came 10 years earlier when he could have contributed as much as he did in the first two installments of The Firefly Trilogy.
5. ’31’ (2016)
I’m not exactly sure how to describe “31.” I’ll start with this: Malcolm McDowell is at his most Alex DeLarge since “A Clockwork Orange” in the role of the ridiculously titled Father Napoleon-Horatio-Silas Murder. The whole concept is insane—that he and his powered wig-wearing creeps take pleasure in forcing people to play the game of ’31’ and survive a maze of horror.
In pure Zombie form, this one is brutal to the max. The uninitiated will complain about Zombie nepotism with his wife in this like his other films, but she rocks here. Alas, Richard Brake is completely wild as Doom-Head. Now that is a character with absolutely zero redeemable qualities, yet I can’t stop rooting for him. His presence is magnetic, and he crushes all his scenes. I would like to use this opportunity to personally recommend to Mr. Zombie to make a Doom-Head spinoff.
4. ‘The Lords of Salem’ (2012)
This is the role Sheri Moon Zombie was born to play. The poster for this film has become a popular tattoo for Zombie enthusiasts. Sheri’s iconic look with the striped sweater and face paint. “The Lords of Salem” is at the same time Zombie’s most accessible film, and the one where you’re questioning if you just watched the Devil with a giant… well, you get the idea.
This is a must for B-movie horror movie lovers. The atmosphere, the wacky plot, the twists and turns, they’re all great. And the score… good lord, the score. I’d like to interrupt this previously scheduled rank to mention that John 5, my favorite guitarist ever, did the score. For almost 20 years, he was Zombie’s right-hand man. The two together made amazing albums. And it breaks my heart he left Zombie to join Mötley Crüe. Please come back John! Believe me when I tell you that for as horrific as some of these movies are, none of these can compare to the horror of seeing Mötley Crüe live in 2023.
3. ‘Halloween’ (2007)
How do you remake a classic? Well, the aughts were filled with horror remakes—and Zombie’s take on “Halloween” was the best at the time, and holds as the best since. Sometimes not knowing what leads a child to murder his sister and grow up a psychotic madman is scarier than knowing. Zombie took the opposite approach, essentially splitting the film into two distinct halves: Michael’s childhood and then his actual retelling of the John Carpenter classic.
The cast is jam-packed. We’ve got Charles Lee Ray himself Brad Dourif, Sheri Moon Zombie, and Malcolm McDowell as Dr Loomis. Danielle Harris, the heroine of Halloween “4” and “5” is back in a new role as well. The stars aligned here. Zombie put his classic Zombie touch with brutal vulgarity, insane kills, and a tension that just never lets up. The real star here is Daeg Faerch as young Michael; he’s as heartbreaking as he is horrifying. This isn’t your usual origin story. This isn’t your average “Halloween” movie.
2. ‘House of 1,000 Corpses’ (2003)
The one that started it all! Instead of trying to describe anything here, let me just hit you with some great stuff. Dwight Schrute turned into a half fish-man… glorious. Chris Hardwick just being Chris Hardwick until he eats it… spectacular. Dr. Satan? More like Hail Dr. Satan. Bill Moseley as Otis is a horror movie icon in the making. Sheri Moon Zombie’s “Yeah, I bet you do” (which is sampled in the Zombie song, “Pussy Liquor”) named after the store in the film “Red Hot Pussy Liquor,” top notch. And let’s not forget about Walter Goggins. Nothing can top any of this.
Absolutely as bizarre as you would expect. Gross and sickening and makes you want to take a shower, just like a good horror movie should. Oh wait. I forgot one thing. Captain Spaulding! Sid Haig in a star turning role at 60 years old. Here’s a fact: the first 15 minutes are among the best beginnings to any horror movie ever. You could look that up.
1. ‘The Devil’s Rejects’ (2005)
That poor house maid. She survives the chaos long enough with a dead skin mask draped over her face only to evade those trying to help her and end up getting crushed by a semi. That’s just cruel. And that’s how you can best describe “The Devil’s Rejects.” You may not have liked its predecessor, but you will love this one. Sid Haig steals every scene he’s in as Captain Spaulding. When he makes a kid cry over not liking clowns, I mean, again, its cruel but kind of funny.
There is a sick humor running throughout this one that allows it to play like a dark comedy at times. You know how they changed up the formula in “Aliens” to be less horror and more action thriller? Zombie did the same here by instructing everyone to do the opposite of what they did the first time around. Using George Costanza from “Seinfeld” as a model of doing the opposite, this method allowed the characters personalities to really come through; and for a bunch of sick twisted bastards, I gotta tell ya, I love ‘em. Zombie may never reach these heights again and that’s okay. Because when you fly this close to the sun, what’s the point in repeating?
