Each October, I like to immerse myself in Stephen King novels, binge watch horror movies, and eat my body weight in candy to the point that come October 31st, the only accurate part of my Wilford Brimley Halloween costume is the insulin pump. It’s Halloween time folks! This year, I chose to really go deep on the “Halloween” franchise. Even the podcast I do with my friends, Falling Down the Rankings did a whole Halloween extravaganza (check us out on Spotify).
Through eleven movies, tons of murders, a couple dogs and sixty-three plotlines, Michael Myers slashed his way to our hearts. Is it the William Shatner mask? The overalls? Jamie Lee Curtis? Probably all of the above! The franchise that created a million copycats, Michael Myers is the Kurt Cobain of slashers.
With so much uncertainty in the world right now, one thing we can absolutely count on is non-stop airings of these Michael Myers films all month long. Everywhere you turn, The Shape is there. You have a better chance at escaping from New York than escaping this mad man. So here at The Movie Buff, we thought, why not give a proper ranking to one of the most gloriously wild franchises to ever grace our screens. You excited? I’m excited. Plus, with “Halloween Kills” right around the corner, let’s go! Here is The Movie Buff’s official “Halloween” ranking. In the words of Michael Myers, “Yeah Baby!” Wait…
11. ‘Halloween: Resurrection’
Things I would rather do than watch “Halloween: Resurrection:” listen to a Busta Rhymes album, watch twelve straight hours of The Tyra Banks show, or have an “American Pie”-like webcam debacle with the love of my life for all the world to see. I mean, this one is trash. It’s not scary. It’s not hip. For twenty plus years leading into this we were convinced Michael Myers couldn’t die. Somehow, “Halloween: Resurrection” did the impossible.
10. ‘Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers’
The Halloween franchise suffered more than any of its contemporaries when it came to story cohesion and continuity.Trying to understand how this one wraps up is confusing and angering on a number of levels because it leaves us with so many questions. How the hell is Jamie telepathically linked to Michael? Who the hell is The Man in Black? Why the hell did I just watch this? I once did a back flip on a trampoline, landed on my neck and blacked out. “Halloween 5” hurts more than that.
9. ‘Halloween II (H2)’
Here’s a couple things I really love: Michael Myers, Rob Zombie, dogs, eating. Here’s something I never asked to see, never needed to see, and hate that I saw: Michael Myers eating a dog in a Rob Zombie film. Like, why? Zombie delivers more of the gore and ultra-violence he is known for, but it just feels so gross here. I just hear Lemmy screaming “Overkill” in my head whenever I watch this. That white horse story bothers me. They dumped the kid who played Michael in Zombie’s first “Halloween” for a different actor. Danielle Harris proves the only saving grace here. But even she can’t dig through the ditches and burn through the witches to save this dumpster fire.
8. ‘Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers’
Say what you will about the recasting of Danielle Harris as Jamie Lloyd or the utter hatchet job that took place in the editing room, but at least this one gave us our first introduction to Paul Rudd. I mean, he’s awful in the movie. But so is everyone. Can’t blame him. When in Rome, right? I have fond memories of renting this at Reel Deal Video back in the day. And sitting on some wicker. They also sold tons of wicker furniture. I expect 1% of all people to know what I’m talking about and that’s fine. Because you know what? It makes more sense that Halloween if your five, five, five then I’m six six six.
7. ‘Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers’
While some of our younger folks may think “The Love Guru” was the real return of Mike Myers, “Halloween 4” brought back everyone’s favorite slasher back home. You know that scene in “Ghostbusters” when the mayor says, “somebody get me the Ghostbustas”? I imagine something similar happening shortly after “Season of the Witch” repulsed filmgoers. “Halloween 4” doubled down on the spooky with a weird kid with a weird power and a clown suit. I mean, absolute innovators and trailblazers of originality here. Woo-Ha!
6. ‘Halloween (2018)’
When you run out of all possible ideas for a franchise, you have a couple of options. You can remove the definite articles “Fast & Furious” style. Or simply just keep the name as is. “Halloween” did the latter and honestly, it might’ve been better had they done an “F&F.” At least there, they kind of changed the formula up a little. I mean, having The Rock show up here and deliver Michael Myers a People’s Elbow wouldn’t have been the worst thing. In this new timeline presented here, Michael and Laurie are not brother and sister…maybe? I don’t really know at this point and also kind of don’t care either. I think if they really wanted to pump some life into this flick, they should’ve had Michael & Laurie go full Micky & Mallory and run riot all over the middle of the country. Now that would be something we could all get behind!
5. ‘Halloween III: Season of the Witch’
People of 2021, allow me to introduce you to the original “American Horror Story.” Way back when, the idea was to see Michael Myers off in a blaze of glory and usher in an anthology of sorts. The filmmakers dared ask the question: do horror fans want an anthology of Halloween themed stories? Moviegoers shouted back at near deafening levels, “NO!” Too bad really. “Season of the Witch” on its own is an excellent movie with a real “Twilight Zone” feel. The masks are great. The creepy music is great. This one really deserves more love. Even though John Carpenter is not the director here, it certainly feels as much a John Carpenter flick as any in his filmography.
4. ‘Halloween’ (Rob Zombie)
“The Devil’s Rejects” is a modern classic. “Halloween” is an all-time classic. Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” is neither, but it is super fun. While it undoes everything that makes the first one so much fun and totally Rob Zombifies it, you gotta admit, he kind of nailed it. Zombie’s casting is always excellent and Malcolm McDowell is killer as the new Dr. Loomis. I imagine the studio wouldn’t allow him to have done a first film all about young Michael and a second film about the actual night he came home. Now I know what you’re saying. A studio ran by the Weinsteins, people who have no problem …well let’s skip that for now. Anyway, young Michael is insane and I mean that as the highest compliment. The movie is bananas and while my heart breaks each time I watch it for Machete (“I was good to you, Mikey), a top notch Michael Myers flick it is.
3. ‘Halloween: H20’
“H20” feels much less a Halloween film and way more a slasher of its day. Think “Scream” or “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” It checks all the boxes; attractive teen-young adult heartthrobs. An alternative rock soundtrack that could just as easily score a couple of baristas making cappuccinos. It’s got it all. Even LL Cool J. And unlike Busta Rhymes, Mr. J (not that one) does some pretty serious acting here. Why so serious? Because it’s a horror movie, dammit! Love “H20.” Josh Hartnett is great and the least popular character from “Dawson’s Creek” is passable if not totally forgettable. And Jamie Lee Curtis! She’s back! Super happy they brought her back here only to totally ruin all of this five minutes into the next installment and then to totally blow the whole thing up in “Halloween 2018.” Where the hell is the script supervisor?
2. ‘Halloween II’
Here we have the beginning of the train of diminishing returns. You can tell the original was not originally intended to be a franchise starter. But even if some of the choices here don’t really land, “Halloween II” is a whole hell of a lot of fun. While “Halloween” inspired “Friday the 13th,” it feels like “Friday the 13th” inspired “Halloween II.” Mood and eerie suspense are replaced by gore and some more creatively gross kills; some of which remain among the franchise’s greatest. “Halloween 2” also started the whole Ross & Rachel thing of will they or won’t they…be brother and sister…between Michael and Laurie. Personally, I always thought it was super dumb but it did give some steam to those middle sequels. But like. If you really watch the original, and then watch this, you realize this is a total on the spot plot point of forced convenience kind of like Luke and Leah. Thankfully though, Michael and Laurie never made out on screen.
1. ‘Halloween’
The absolute classic! Not only the best film in the franchise but a top five all-time horror movie and really the one that started it all with the slashers (even if a couple did predate it). Excellent characters like Dr. Loomis and Laurie are three-dimensional enough to care and root for. A film based on mood and suspense with a very limited number of kills and some truly iconic and horrific imagery. John Carpenter never could catch this kind of lightning in a bottle again but thankfully he got one to stick to the wall. What makes the original so damn powerful is in its ambiguity. Why did he kill his sister? No answer. How did he escape Smith’s Grove? No clue. How did he know how to drive a car? Woah. The score is as sharp as the cinematography as is as sharp as the editing. Many a film have tried to copy and duplicate the success. The closet scene remains an all time great as does the end scene when Loomis realized Michael is missing. Absolute Fire!
