Beastly (PG-13)

The 2011 romance/drama “Beastly,” loosely based on the 2007 novel of the same name by Alex Flinn, is a modern take on the classic fairytale ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and devout movie fans will identify faint traces of “Dorian Gray” and “Thinner” added to the mix.  I’ve never read the book though suspect it’s more of a clichéd attempt to get teenage fools to spend their parent’s money on tripe in the mold of the “Twilight” series than to create a literary masterpiece.

The movie begins with the overly vain high school student Kyle Kingston (Alex Pettyfer) giving a speech in his campaign for class president.  While he is running as a Green Party candidate he reveals in the speech that he has no interest in the environment whatsoever, and instead uses the speech time to rant and insult his classmates that he deems unattractive.  “Should you vote for me because I’m the rich, popular, good looking guy?  Hell Yeah!”  He shouts to thunderous applause.

Kyle resides in a penthouse suite in Manhattan with his father (Peter Krause, star of TV’s “Parenthood”) who is a news anchor for a major network and pays little attention to anything but his work.  It is also shown where Kyle has obtained his narcissistic attitude when his father hurls an insult at a fat co-worker and advises “people like people who look good.  Anyone who says otherwise is either dumb or ugly.”  Also residing in the suite is Zola (Lisa Gay Hamilton) their Jamaican housekeeper.  Zola witnesses Kyle’s father ignoring him as he tries to inform that he has won the school election.

At school the next day, Kyle seizes an opportunity to further ridicule a gothic looking student named Kendra (“Full House’s” Mary-Kate Olsen) a homely girl with a tattoo on the side of her face who is also rumored to be involved in black magic.  Kyle invites her to a party which comes as a shock to her and she suspects something is afoot as she nonchalantly remarks “only idiots screws with witches.”  When Kendra arrives at the party, Kyle humiliates her in front of the packed room by chastising her appearance.  “Looks are important to everyone.”  He tells her.  “Except you, clearly.”  Kendra then puts a spell on him changing him into a freak (with tattoo and vein lines covering his body and face and grafts of burnt looking skin).  She advises him he will have one year to find someone that will fall in love with him for the spell to be reversed or he will remain like this – aggressively unattractive on the outside as he is on the inside – forever.

When doctors are baffled and unable to reverse the condition, Kyle’s father sends him to live in a private house away from the city
with Zola.  A montage then reveals that his father has stopped visiting as he is so ashamed of Kyle’s appearance and people in school are left with the impression that Kyle has checked into rehab.

After several months, Kyle’s father sends a blind tutor named Will (Neil Patrick Harris) to live in the house and teach Kyle since he can no longer attend school.  Unable to see Kyle, Will becomes a friend and mentor in his quest to find true love, and learn that it’s what’s on the inside that should count the most.

5 months after the spell, Kyle leaves the house on Halloween and returns to the city.  At a party, he encounters Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens) who is way too cute to be an unpopular classmate.  Lindy has always had a crush on Kyle and they converse though he doesn’t reveal who he really is.  At the party he realizes his girlfriend and friends didn’t really like him because of his acidic personality.  Later, he finds Kendra and begs her to reverse the spell.  Kendra tells him she can’t reverse it, the only way to break it is to find someone to love him for himself.  “You need to find someone who can see you better than you can.”  She tells him and reminds him he is down to just 7 months.

Kyle begins to watch Lindy from afar and develops real feelings as he witnesses her singing along to her iPod and brining a sandwich to a homeless man (like we get it, she’s wholesome).  Kyle then saves her from a drug dealer and in order to protect her from the criminal, she goes to live with him in the house where she becomes his only chance to have the curse reversed – and to understand the real meaning of love.

As a fan, “Beastly” is a decent film.  It’s cheesy and predictable but flows quickly and will keep you smiling.  As a critic, where do I begin?

Kyle is supposed to be a high school student, though he looks and speaks to be about 30 years old.  Had the setting been college – or even better, just adults in the corporate world, it would have been much more believable.  The notion that pompous and self-centered assholes only exist in high school is the furthest thing from the truth.  Sadly they continue well into adulthood and beyond.

There are also plethoras of continuity errors present due to the high school backdrop – like what grade are these “kids” in?  It is revealed that Halloween night is 5 months after the curse, meaning the curse was put on in May, meaning the film starts with a class election…in May?  Isn’t that a little odd?  Several scenes also take place with the students at elaborate parties and clubs, and though they are supposed to be from privileged New York City backgrounds it is a little absurd if they are truly teenagers. Some of the other areas of complaint I have would be resolved completely if the characters were adults rather than teens.

The character of Lindy’s father is pointless at best, he is only introduced to show that Lindy is the more mature person in the house and to explain why she still lives at home (which could have been eliminated if they were adult characters).  In fact the entire drug deal gone wrong is too convenient and is left completely unanswered and open-ended, solved with a quick explanation that reeks of amateur writing and time constraints.  And though her father is a drug addict and has little money, she still attends the same school as Kyle who is uber-wealthy.

The entire relationship with Lindy seems too opportune as well; she’s not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, so why would Kyle have been so dismissive of her for all the years they were together in school?  It would have been more prudent if she been a complete stranger that he first met and fell for the night he saved her life.  And even better, if she were just average looking.

Although the message is a good one, ‘looks aren’t everything,’ it’s crippled with an obvious error; yes they are.  Teaching people that everyone has a fare shot in this world regardless of how they look is a total falsehood.  It’s great in an animated Disney film but a complete farce in real life.  When Kyle removes his hood in front of Lindy for the first time, he looks down in shame.  “Pretty gruesome, huh?”  He asks her.  She smiles coyly.  “I’ve seen worse.”  Um…NOPE!!!!!!!   Sorry but there is no way a girl (especially one that is as pretty as her) would give the time of day to the mutant Kyle had transformed into (though he really wasn’t THAT bad especially nowadays, he looked like a biker with the chiseled body of a Greek Titan).

Yes I believe to make a 50-year loving marriage last it’s on the inside more than anything.  But you won’t have the chance at 50
years if you fail the first 50 seconds and sadly, that is about nothing but looks.  Make no mistake about it.  Yes, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but you have to use the cover as some frame of reference, don’t you?  If I pick up a book and the cover is that of a bloody knife and a torn garment, I had best assume it’s not a children’s book.

For a change of pace, I would like to see the story told from reversed genders; have the female be the self-absorbed beauty that is transformed and thus must find the love of a man who sees her for what she really is.  It would also be interesting if Kyle stayed looking as he always had, but everyone else saw him as a freak.

But oh well.

I repeat.  As a critic, Beastly is quite flawed, but as a fan, well, I’ve seen worse.

– by Matt Christopher