What do you suppose you would get if you combined several classic ’80s movies (“Adventures in Babysitting,” “License to Drive,” and “Can’t Buy Me Love“) with the flare, story, and themes of the ’90s? The result would be a 1997 box office flop (we’ll get to that later) that is heard of by few and seen by even less called “Trojan War.”
Long before the days of online streaming, Redbox, and Netflix, my friends and I would frequent the neighborhood Video-To-Rol several times a week for some late night VHS entertainment (in the days before we could legally drink.) I vividly remember on multiple occasions taking notice of one particular movie box, sitting lonely on the shelf. The cover featured an adorable photo of actress Jennifer Love Hewitt in a little white dress and boots, causing a minor frenzy amongst me and my friends. After passing it by several times, one night we were faced with limited options and decided to give it a try and “Trojan War” instantly became one of my all time favorite movies.
“Once in your life a girl comes along who’s the center of your universe.” As the film’s central character, high school senior Brad Kimble (Will Friedle of TVs “Boy Meets World”) narrates to open. The center of Brad’s universe is a beautiful cheerleader named Brooke Kingsley (Marley Shelton), with whom Brad has been crushing on for over a decade despite having never once spoken to her.
It’s a week before graduation and Brad is drooling over Brooke in a shared biology class. Before dismissal, the teacher offers the students free condoms at the behest of the board of education. As the students empty the class, Brad, being a virgin, opts not to take the condom – a seemingly benign decision that will eventually lead to catastrophe.
Brad meets up with his friends; long time best friend Leah (Hewitt) and nerdy girl-gawkers Seth (a beardless Danny Masterson in a pre-“That 70s Show” role) and Josh (Jason Marsden who also starred in Boy Meets World.) Like any comedic tale, Brad is of course oblivious to Leah’s love for him, and continues to obsess over Brooke, consumed with the notion that fate will bring them together. He reinforces his inane reasoning in several ways, one being that they share a similar last name which caused them to have been seated next to each other since kindergarten. Brad also gushes that he and Brooke would look great together in pictures, as he points out a yearbook photo of Brooke cheering and he, almost invisible in the stadium several rows up watching her. Brad carries the folded photo around with him to which Josh advises “dude, you’re creepy.”
As the tutoring session progresses, Brooke decides to exact revenge on her obnoxious jock boyfriend Kyle (the great Eric Balfour) by having sex with Brad. Lacking protection, Brad is sent out for the simple task of purchasing a condom. At the store, he encounters every man’s worst nightmare (in the days before self-checkout) when the scanner is unable to read the barcode prompting the clerk to announce over the intercom she needs a price check on a package of prophylactics.
When Brad finally leaves, he discovers that his father’s car has been stolen – an event that turns into a night long series of outlandish mishaps and excitement, as he encounters a host of strange miscreants like a philosophical homeless man (David Patrick Kelly) a psychotic bus driver (Anthony Michael Hall) a kung fu janitor (Paulo Tocha) a smarmy store clerk (Kathy Griffin) and a Latino gang all the while desperately trying to get a condom and get back to Brooke. As the night goes on Brad makes enemies along the way, pursued at times by the town Sheriff (Lee Majors) an angry dog, a Salsa dancing woman who has mistaken him for David Hasselhoff (whom he meets in a seedy club guarded by Danny Trejo) and eventually Kyle. “Okay its official. I am in hell!”
According to boxofficemojo.com and IMDB, “Trojan War” is one of the most financial disasters in the history of films, costing $15 million to make and generating a mere $309 million at the box office, spending less than a week in the theatre before going straight to video. I blame lack of advertising since the film itself is priceless. At a run time of 84 minutes, not one scene goes too long and not one part is boring. The humor and the action commence right from the beginning and will literally keep you laughing until the very end.
Will Friedle hasn’t done much since his days as Eric Matthews on “Boy Meets World” and after watching “Trojan War” you will wonder why. Friedle is hilarious as the nerdy Brad, a normal kid thrust into a series of impossible situations and his chemistry on screen with Jennifer Love Hewitt is tight. All supporting roles, from Brad’s friends to his condom-obtaining obstacles continue the barrage of laughs as they each encounter Brad on his quest throughout the night.
Simply put, “Trojan War” is one of the funniest films ever made. If you disagree, you have no sense of humor whatsoever.
– by Matt Christopher
4 Comments
I’m intrigued, but there is no possible way you didn’t over-sell this.
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You wrote “$309 million” when you meant “$309”. It only played in one theater for one night. Not really a fair assessment of the movie’s quality, but that WAS its total box office.