At the end of this review, I will by default assign a failing grade to the 2014 Thai-American horror movie “Pernicious.” In doing so, I will actually feel sorry for the sixth letter of the alphabet, which will be unfairly linked to this disgusting waste of time.
While scrolling through Netflix and their horror movie list, a trio of flawless hotties caused me to dial up “Pernicious” and sit through it. I had never once heard of the movie. It scored 5.6 on Imdb. There is no plot synopsis on Wikipedia. Bit I’m not ashamed to admit – the three actresses on the title placard kept me going.
Literally 10 seconds in and I was saddled with regret.
Written by Who Cares and directed by It Doesn’t Matter, “Pernicious” comes across as if the Hallmark Channel, who owns the rights to corny Christmas movies, decided to take a stab at a Halloween special – and then enlisted Rob Zombie to be in charge of production.
The sexy threesome that star in the film deliver on their end, at least in terms of what they are supposed to do – be incredibly attractive and funny characters – aloof to their surroundings and seemingly inept and hungover all the time. They recite lines so goofy they wouldn’t make the cutting room edits on a horror spoof, and have zero provided in the way of depth. Luckily they packed a limitless supply of skimpy clothing for the entire duration of screen time.
Alex, Julia, and Rachel are en route to a remote village in Thailand to “help the poor.” Its never really established how they are going to do this (none of the girls speak Thai), where the trio came from (I’m assuming they are card carrying members of the Malibu Barbie Sorority House) or why they have come about this task (these three would doubtless find a way to start a war if they actually did try to help).
The silliness is present from the onset as the story opens with the girls dressed in nightclub tight miniskirts and wedge heels – perfect wardrobe choices to take a boat ride on a river deep into the jungle. Even the promo pics for the movie depict the girls splattered in blood – and still posing like its the cover of a magazine.
Once at their location – not a remote straw built Peace Corp type dwelling but a giant mansion ripe with modern amenities, the girls come across a haunting presence. If the movie as produced as a comical spoof, it may have worked. But all indications are that the intent was a solid horror movie.
Ciara Hana, Emily O’Brien, and Jackie Moore take B movie acting to new levels, but I was willing to overlook this facet for the roles they were playing. Its supposed to be a fun scary movie, not “Lawrence of Arabia” and lets be honest, they are super pretty and I’m super shallow.
Many movie fans can handle blood and mayhem but find torture to be a bit nauseating. The torture scenes in “Pernicious” are outrageous and are done for no other reason that to demonstrate technology and special effects. If you have a weak or even average stomach, don’t bother watching.
There is one scene in the middle of the film that depicts the girls being haunted by the primary antagonist and the scares are very good for a handful of minutes. But that’s it for the entire movie. And since the three leads are all equal in terms of starring roles, you never once fear for the girls safety.
“Pernicious” is a bad movie, and not worth a second of your time.
by – Matt Christopher
